I’ve only tried twice so far specifically telling the person I’m speaking to not give me advice. Didn’t work both times - I think their word vomit is too strong for them to hold back.
One of them I’ve told twice too. Didn’t work the second time either. Now when we’re talking, I just don’t complain to her
Just want to say sorry that you’re experiencing this. It sounds pretty invalidating and traumatizing. I hope you can find a better set of individuals to share these experiences with 😞
You’re good at this! Someone once told me not to talk to them as much like this bc it was too therapyish for them. Since then I try to roughly paraphrase what they’re saying and like throw in a dumb joke. (Ex someone’s telling me how they got fired, i summarize how they got fired and say like “another day in paradise”. Which usually at least gets a slight smile) I’ve never known how well received my approach is, but no obvious negative reviews. I’m unsure if the joke at the end is too abrupt change of tone or something? What do you think about this kind of approach?
but are the people you are talking to men?
Mostly. I read about this too. I don’t know as many women and the ones I do tend to be at least somewhat tomboyish and they do the same thing lol.
Also I’ve been thinking, when people tell me about some bad story that happened to them, I’ve been wondering if I should straight up ask “do you want me to give you dumb obvious advice?” But I don’t want them to feel like “sir this is a Wendy’s” (which is also funny bc a Wendy’s cashier was complaining about her position to me in Wendy’s lmao)
I hit the libraries and bookstores so fucking hard
As someone who somewhat raised themself, thanks a lot for putting in the effort!!! Which might sounds like a strange thing to say, but do you get why I appreciate hearing that you put in the effort?
All the readings helped? I read psychology today articles with consistency and they talk about these kind of things sometimes. I read through them for the same reason you do, self improvement
Depending on factors, when someone gives obvious advice, it really stakes a fence in the sand of “i don’t know what you’re talking about”. Specifically when they give obvious advice and don’t ask much about why you haven’t done that already.
And then sometimes (tdy) go from telling a story where i was victimized to basically being revictimized by the person i’m talking to where i have to hold myself back bc they keep giving obv dumb advice, and if i explain why I didn’t do Y, they press on something like Y2 then Y3 etc.
There might be some kind of golden rule here of unless i’m testing how ‘suitable’ someone is or we’re friends, dont explain jack squat
Add https://beehaw.org/c/feminism to the sidebar of feminism?
@Gaywallet@beehaw.org, add lemmy.ml/c/feminism to the sidebar of beehaw feminism?
Will let subscribers flow more seemlessly to both subs
Unfortunately many women will not be physically affectionate with men because many men misread this sign
I think it’s mostly due to societal expectation. Ex even me, for the most part, I have very little understanding of being close emotionally or physically with someone and not dating them. Like I can theorize about it, but it’s just theories in my head, since i have basically no real experience of this. Sounds like the life you’ve lived/other ppl in the same community would be an interesting work of fiction. Aliens in like avengers movies are pretty much just typical society copy and pasted by with a skin change.
I would never be offended if someone came to me and said something along the lines of
I dig it. But in my life, both men and women would be offended if i said this to them haha. But i’ll ponder on this for a while and see if i can come up with a modification i could use.
Sharing thoughts about your feelings - the wants and needs, and the troubles you’re experiencing is generally speaking not a very cishetman thing to do and can help to show the vulnerability and desire to connect with another.
It’s genuinely a risky approach to do this, bc it’s not uncommon to be called a pussy (or similar) for sharing the vulnerabilities. Last happened to me 2 weeks ago. Though it was a (likely) cishetWoman, but she seems pretty conservative, so got black swaned there. But yeah, if i can correctly read a person isn’t gonna be offended by ‘i can feel pain’, then it’s probably helpful.
Also, you blog about this kind of thing anywhere? I wanna read more about the world you’ve live lol
It might help to explicitly seek out queer friend groups as they tend to be much more okay with and display this kind of affectionate behavior more often.
Yeah i have noticed this! One gay male acquintance would say uhh compliments / excessively nice statements to me (read: strange to hetero culture over here) I didn’t really know what was going on and just assumed the guy thought i was good looking or smthg but i didn’t mind since he wasn’t sleezy about it.
You could ask your friends if its okay to cuddle.
Similarly, 2 bi acquintances said they’d cuddle naked and shower and stuff and I had absolutely 0 idea what they were going on about, bc apparently they weren’t interested in the other and that 404 errorred me so probably just nodded my head and maybe threw out an active listening statement. Personally, that’d be way to much for me circa 2022.
Female friends did wayyy more affectionate stuff with each other then us lads. I always felt it was lame af of us lads. Like my exgf would dance with a male friend’s gf, leaving us with, uhh, nothing to do for like a few mins. When the gfs would initiate dancing with each other, i’d sorta look over at the dude and try to feel out if he wanted to dance together or something, but nada.
I regularly ask people if I can lay my head down in their lap, because I enjoy that particular dynamic.
Wow crazy, this would have Never had crossed my mind! What gender and sexuality are you if you don’t mind me asking? I’m cishetman.
I’ve noticed with a few males i suspected were gay that they’d be less friendly with het males then women. I figured they were concerned i’m douchbag or had worse experiences with het men so i didn’t mind much. But doesn’t exactly make it easy for me to talk to them.
Now that i’m a poor adult, i don’t even know how to meet people my age outside of like work. Which is largely due to poverty and my time away from work is spent trying to save money to afford rent. Ex having to walk everywhere takes a while. (Okay, i do know how to meet people… I mett some cool people now and then but very rarely get a chance to follow up on it)
Interesting story the other day, a male and female friend did something independently that I found cute. I didn’t tell either of them that it’s cute. For the male - didn’t want to offend him by saying X was cute. For the female, didn’t want her to think I’m hitting on her.
A few years ago I offended a male friend by saying something along those lines.
Honestly, feel slightly bad to have to check my speech and I def didn’t check myself with the ex. I could try talking with these friends about this but uhh I don’t know how to bring it up, specifically around the male.